New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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