Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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