Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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