Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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