I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
