Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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