I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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