Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
MIDGETS
????
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
