I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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