the day after is always just damage control
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
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he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize