Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...