i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
