just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
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I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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