I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
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his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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