then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
