remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
