I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize