Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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