Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
