He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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