I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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