So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
