Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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