Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I touched a dick in church today
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
