Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
