fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's like God shit irony all over that family
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
