if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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