Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
