I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
