i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
