Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
