She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
