Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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