So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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