Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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