Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
