why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
