She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
