This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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