just tell him i said nine months
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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