If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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