I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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