This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
