Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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