I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
