if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
