thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
