she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
