if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
