I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
