Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
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Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.