I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
