Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
