im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Say something about gay babies.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
