Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
