I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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