We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
