you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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