My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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